Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus