me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
cats when you pet them too long:
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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