In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
You Might Also Like
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
How actors in movies eat their food
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.