“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
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“Oh god wait.”
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face