tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
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*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches