THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*