The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.