Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
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(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Krampus.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.