People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system