If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!