I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.