I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.