Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person