[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.