After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Always…
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
british sex workers really pound for pound
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
In Canada they just call them geese
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!