[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I have so many questions.
Go hard or stay average
My husband, the world鈥檚 most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it鈥檚 golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
“I鈥檒l NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can鈥檛 unbutton his pants
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.