Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
i will avenge u mr van gogh
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.