I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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‘I know a black person’
– White people
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*jingles half the way*
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My circle of trust is a meatball
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.