I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Not all heroes wear capes….
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.