I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Need WebMD
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.