had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
You Might Also Like
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
War & Peace
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
These aliens are taking forever.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?