alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
New favorite tiktok
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship