HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?