My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.