Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Yes
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?