Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.