“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Good advice.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house