Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
You Might Also Like
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.