what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
getting corrected
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.