One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
You Might Also Like
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
choose your fighter
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
lol
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being