Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
are there any atheist mantises?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*