Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.