I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Vodka burrito was a success
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
#oldknees
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Stop being racist to kettles.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.