Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]