CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I think my mom just blocked me
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it