“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.