Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.