Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.