Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
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There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
In banana years, I am bread.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.