This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”