Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself