The government even made aliens boring
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming