In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.