pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.