my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
crazy
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it