[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.