Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work