“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Found the job I’m suited for
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?