Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Duck typos.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.