Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”